G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

I wanted to wait and see this movie a second time before posting my review but I'm not sure when that is going to be at this point, so first impressions will have to do. BEWARE!!! Reading beyond this point will result in a shit load of spoilers. Do not read any further if you desire to watch this movie and be "surprised". Once again: SPOILER WARNING!!! On that note, let's begin.

I am a huge fan of "G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero" (the toy line, cartoon series and comic books). A HUGE FAN! So let it be known now that this review is not going to be favorable. It is also going to be quite lengthy as I have a lot to bitch about. So for those who do not wish to read every little bit of crap that will spew from my mouth, let me some up this movie in two simple words for you:

ASS RAPED!!!!

Now, for those who wish to continue and read in detail, by all means do so. It will be enlightening to say the least.

The premise of G.I. Joe is a simple one. Elite men and women from around the world (originally American, sure, but in later incarnations it became international) are assembled into a special missions force that defends human freedom against a ruthless terrorist organization known as Cobra. The two battle it out endlessly with advanced technology as their weapons and 99% of the time the Joes come out victorious. It's one giant morality tale and helps to bring a patriotic spirit to the ones watching, reading or playing. Yo Joe!

The movie succeeded in this sense. G.I. Joe is an elite special missions force with the most advanced weapons and surveillance technology the world has to offer and their enemy is an as yet unrevealed terrorist organization with equally impressive technology. However, what made G.I. Joe so popular wasn't just the premise. That's too easy and ultimately unexciting. What people tend to remember most are the characters. Each with their own rich back story and a reason for doing what they do. This is where the filmmakers went wrong and didn't even have the courtesy to lube us up first.

I guess I can start with the positives since there are so few: (1) The action. Yes, it can't be said that this movie isn't without action. The premise of G.I. Joe is two forces battling it out with advanced weaponry, so action is a must. There is plenty of it. 'Nuff said. (2) Cobra's Neo Vipers, the elite foot soldiers, are not random recruits who willingly joined Cobra. They are kidnapped soldiers who were brainwashed using nanomite technology. This is actually quite cool and easier to stand behind as oppose to a bunch of guys who thought being a bad guy came with good pay and benefits. (3) Destro. One of the only characters to be written and portrayed accurately to his 80's counterpart. Destro is a greedy arms dealer who wants nothing but to be the guy with the best weapons and the most power. And as an added bonus, he actually gets his iconic silver mask at the end in a rather interesting and acceptable way (more nanomites). (4) The fight scene between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. Although there were some negatived weighing against this scene that will be detailed below, the actual choreography of the scene was fantastic. I mean, who doesn't love to say Ray Park flip through the air?

OK...that's all the positives I have. Isn't that a bitch? Now it's time to go through the negatives, which I may limit to the most hated to keep this from being too long.

(1) Channing Tatum as Duke! The worst part of the whole movie. If there was only one way the filmmakers could have gone wrong it would have been to f*ck up my favorite character and they did it. Tatum's acting was monotonous and poorly delivered. Not to mention that a character who is supposed to be the all-American natural leader type was portrayed like an extra from an Eminem video. Taking the team leader and making him the young rookie was a typical Hollywood plotline that took away from the character and his story and his whiny obsession with Bubble Yum was both embarassing and rage enchancing. I hate you Channing Tatum. Go make Step Up 3 and stay the hell out of G.I. Joe!

(2) Character designs. G.I. Joe features some of the most iconic characters in pop culture history. I'm okay with the Joes wearing black stealth armor as it is more sensible for our modern time setting, but why the hell did they have to mess up Cobra Commander, Snake Eyes and Doctor Mindbender (oh keep reading...there's more coming on THAT guy!!!).

Let's start with Cobra Commander. His identity is masked at all times by one of two visages. An executioner's hood with the Cobra symbol or a battle helmet with a chrome faceplate. So, tell me why he actually ended up looking like the bastard child of someone from Hellboy and He-Man??? Well, according to the producers it's because the executioners hood looked too much like a KKK hood. Yeah...I can totally look a blue executioners hood and see a tall, pointed white hood!!! What the hell? Even if that were the case, what was wrong with the helmet? Too Nazi??? He's a f*cking badguy! Who gives a shit?! That's like changing the Superman costume. Don't mess with an icon!!!

The Snake Eyes costume was given a mouth. That's easily understandable for a character that doesn't talk. That's just a pet peeve, though. The main problem I had with it is just that it look stupid as hell. I mean I was actually angry every time I saw his stupid looking mask. It almost ruined the epic fight scene because every time you saw Snake Eyes there was a stupid rubber grin staring you down.

Doctor Mindbender, some might remember, is a bald guy with a huge mustache and a monacle. Well, they got the monacle right...sort of (they made it dark blue instead of clear like most monacles). As for the rest of him...hair and some sort of breathing aparatus over his mouth. Why did they do this? Because...drum roll...Doctor Mindbender is actually Cobra Commander!!!! WHAT A TWIST!!! Sure, you later found out that there was in fact a man named Doctor Mindbender who taught Rex Lewis (I mean Cobra Commander) everything he knows about nanomites, but even then...that guy had hair too!!! What's going through filmmakers' minds when they just decide they aren't even going to attempt to follow the designs of a 25 year old beloved character concept? Do they think we won't notice?

(3) The Barroness. I mean Anna Lewis. I mean Anna DeCobray (the latter of the names being half right). In the accepted storyline, Barroness is a researcher from an obvious Eastern European country based on her accent. She joins Cobra after finding her brother murdered and Snake Eyes standing over the body with a smoking gun. She swears vengeance on America and aids Cobra Commander as his equal in terms of determination and skill. In the movie? She's Anna Lewis. An American who gets mind controlled by Rex Lewis (her brother/Cobra Commander/Dr. Mindbender/pain in my ass) and is forced to marry a French barron, hense her new title as the Barroness. Oh yeah...and she's also Duke's ex-fiancee and in the end her love for Duke causes her to break the mind control and she becomes a good guy, rescuing Duke from becoming a Neo Viper drone and aiding in the arrest of Cobra Commander and Destro. Yay! A happy ending for a villanous character! *Thumbs down*

(4) Marlon Wayons as Ripcord. Actually, Ripcord in general was just plain horrible in this movie, but the fact that Marlon Wayons played him immediately shows that they were using a third rate character as comic relief. Ripcord, by definition of his name, is a paratroop soldier. When you need someone to drop into a hotspot, you send Ripcord and Airborn. What did Ripcord do in this? He fought on the ground, frequently and without parachute. And he flies a Cobra jet on a mission to destory warheads and even goes into the upper atmosphere before ejecting (and finally using a parachute). He also has an annoying amount of one liners and even gets it on with Scarlett (who everyone knows is supposed to be in a love triangle with Snake Eyes and Duke).

(5) Snake Eye's vow of silence. The reason Snake Eyes wears a mask and doesn't talk is because he was FUBAR'd and had his vocal chordes cut. This helps add a level of depth to the character. Well, in the movie he simply has a vow of silence, which he took after his master was killed. This means he can start talking at any point. I actually thought he was about to even! When he "kills" Storm Shadow, he stares at where the dead body had fallen and starts breathing heavily. This would have been the ideal moment for something lame...I mean honorable...as "for you, master." Luckily it didn't happen, but I wouldn't be surprised if it found it's way the DVD release.

(6) Lastly, the one-liners they through in to try and pay homeage to the series were both lame and misplaced. "We know everything. And knowing is half the battle" was forced and way too obvious. "You better say yes. He's a real American hero" (when Duke proposes to Anna) was just lame. And Heavy Duty's "Yo Joe!" at the end, even though it was placed at a perfect moment, was just horribly delievered and ended up sounding dumb.

Okay, I guess that is enough rambling. If you made it this far I commend you. You are a trooper. What I can say is that the sequel has potential now that everything is set up the way it should be. Cobra Commander is officially the Commander, no longer masquerading as Dr. Mindbender and Destro is officially Destro as he is known by the fans. Barroness can potentially be a villain again because the G.I. Joe doctors couldn't remove the nanomites and there are still a lot of great characters to be introduced if they can be done correctly (Flint, Lady Jay, Firefly, Roadblock, etc.). So we'll see what happens. But as for this first movie, it was pretty bad. So now you know. And knowing is...well...you get it....